GrudgeLine

Dear Grudgeline,
There's this (cough) website that stages battles with fictional characters. It recently switched to a format that only has one battle a month. How should I deal with this?
A. Silent acceptance
B. Throw a tantrum
C. Fill this website's inbox with demands
D. Stage a daring commando raid against them
Or should I do somthing not on this list?
Signed,
-The (no longer) Unpublished Soldier

Dear Soldier,
AAAY! You know, I think I know what site you're talking about. I like that site, too. It's cool! It's the coolest of the cool; and I know about cool! (I learned about it at the li-berry.) Anyway, I'd suggest none-of-the-above. If I were you, I'd stage a publicity event. Maybe leap over a large fish...perhaps a shark-a-mundo. If it gets too chilly on the water, I can loan you a nice leather jacket.
Now, sit on it.
- The Fonz

Dear Grudgeline,
Hi,
Don't know if you can help me here. But I am an avid Muppet Fan, in fact many would say obsesed with the Muppets, particually Miss Piggy (and have you seen those nice, if somewhat fat, legs on her?) Now I was wondering if you had any suggestion on how to break out of my love for the Muppets, and get back into the 'real' world. Thanks!
-Beauregard

Dear Beauregard,
Oh, cool! I know Miss Piggy. We did a Pizza Hut commercial together. I wonder why they call it Pizza Hut. It's not really a hut. It's a pizza store, right? I'll go ask Nick. Back in a sec. I'm back. Nick just kind of glared at me and went back to reading some magazine.
You know what, we should all meet up and have a party. I'll make chicken-from-the-sea salad sandwiches. I don't know what Miss Piggy would bring. Probably not pork. Wait, does pork come from pigs or cows?
You have a really cool name, but I don't know how to pronounce it. Bow-ree-gard? Brrr-egg-ard? Boy-gard? I have trouble with words. I remember when I recorded my first album. It had this really strange word it on. I couldn't understand why that word was on it. I kept asking everyone what the word was and why it was on the CD. Then someone told me it was my first name. Oops.
Anyway, let me know if you want join Miss Piggy and me in a chit-chat. It should be real fun!!
-Jessica Simpson