GrudgeLine

Dear Grudgeline,
Where do you buy your gold chains and assorted jewelry? I need to know because I have to get something really special for my "lady friend." Please help me!
- Dazed and Sugar-High

Dear Dazed,
Dahhhling, you don't need to get your lady friend something special; get her many special things. But vhere to get jewelry? Let me see, there's Saks, there's Neimann Marcus, there's Seymour's ... Just don't go to Target or Sears; they're not nearly expensive enough, dahlingk.
And make sure you have the jewelry insured. Sometimes police officers get fresh and you have to punch them. You don't vant to risk losing money vhen your rings get blood stains, dahlingk.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

Dear Grudgeline,
I've been babysitting lately so I've had to spend hours watching Barney, and Sesame Street, and Teletubbies, and The Wiggles and while watching, a few questions have popped into my head. Can dinosaurs be purple and green? What is the maximum height a yellow bird can grow? Are there such things as guys who look like babies who run around in colored suits speaking gibberish? Can four guys really live together and not be considered weird (when I do it, people are just grossed out)? These shows have really interfered with my social life. I'm walking around now in a blue outfit telling everyone the letter of the day and "I love you". They just get grossed out. I've tried not watching those shows when babysitting, but then the baby starts crying. Tell me Grudgeline, how can I watch these shows without being turned into some twelve year-old controlled by WLRN. Please help me. I want to... hey Blue's Clues is on. I wonder what today's clues are going to be. Gotta go!
I love you,
- Baby In A Boy's Body

Dear Baby,
Are your parents around? Who put you in charge of other children? How long have you been babysitting? Do you know where your parents are right now? Do you know where the parents the children you're babysitting are? Hold on a minute. That one guy who looks like Ice T just came through. I don't know his name; he's never around long enough for me to find out. He just barges in, makes a smart-aleck comment, gives us a piece of information which turns out to break the case wide open, and then leaves. He says that there are reports that no one has seen Rosie O'Donnell for some time. Didn't you say you watch WLRN? Isn't that out of Southern Florida? Is your mother's name Rosie? Is your name Parker? Don't worry; we'll get help for you.
-Det. Olivia Benson, NYPD Special Victims Unit